I watched Harry and Meghan’s Oprah interview, and the mental health stuff was really triggering. But it is very important that they told the truth, and for that I am so grateful.
My experiences with mental health go back to being bullied all throughout primary school, early secondary school, and even on Saturdays at Chinese language school. And there was a point when I was having suicidal thoughts.
Thankfully, I never acted on them, but I also never told anyone, save one adult friend. I didn’t have strong friendships when I was younger, and as the years have gone by, while I do have them now, I still am very fiercely independent and distrusting.
That adult friend tried to get me to see a school counsellor, as did several teachers, who saw that I was not engaging with school the way I usually did, and I am not joking at all when I say that my teachers saved me. I so admire teachers and educators, because they see things few others do.
I didn’t see the school counsellor. The other kids who were bullying me saw me get notes that asked me to go see the school counsellor, and asked me if I was ok. I was mortified. I was ashamed. I still am. I wish I’d seen that school counsellor. I know better now.
I was a high achiever. I was smart, did my homework, and generally did well on tests. But I am a high-functioning person with anxiety and a lot of social anxiety as well.
I never told my parents. I think my parents know I was bullied, but I never told them at the time. And I definitely didn’t tell them I was having suicidal thoughts, and my home didn’t feel particularly safe at the time either.
As an Asian, a Christian, an immigrant, we were always brought up to turn the other cheek. But I think we fail to realise just how damaging that idea is.
We say kids will be kids when they bully other children. But those kids grow up, and they don’t change, because they’re never taught that it’s not ok to bully other people, especially other girls and womxn.
In fact, this is the same as when we say boys will be boys, and then wonder why our society and our systems are so deeply sexist.
Thankfully, I got out of that deep dark hole. I’ve had bouts of depression and always anxiety and panic attacks since then, but it’s never gotten to that extent.
My mum once said, years later, that my parents thought they might lose me. At the time I thought she was referring to the fact that I might drift away from my spirituality. But now I wonder if she might have been referring to something else.
I later found out that my family has a history of mental illness, but it was never spoken about. I wonder what might have happened if I had known about it earlier.
My experiences of mental health meant that a few years later when one of my friends would text me suicidal thoughts, and another was physically harming themselves, I knew they had to get help and I knew who they had to speak to. So I was able to be there for them.
But the thoughts of shame, of stigma, of paralysis came rushing back to me today, and I knew I had to get these thoughts on paper. I am so deeply sorry that anyone goes through mental illnesses. Because we’re not believed, and we’re not supported.
But it’s so important that we do talk about it, because this will help others. This is representation. Speaking up takes courage and vulnerability. Kudos to anyone who does so.